GoatbaeCon 2017
This year GoatbaeCon, the annual summit of Goatbae thought leaders, was held in Manhattan, the concrete jungle of Mista Dobalinas.
The gathering was an exercise in science and theology – a seeking after clues by the living as to what life was all about. With the illusion of individuality distant in the rear view mirror the summit morphed into one mobile organism devouring the secrets of the night. It became abundantly clear to all those involved that it was time for the boys to step back, and for the baes to step forward.
Here’s a recap of 2017’s GoatbaeCon, in addition to tips and tricks for those wishing to recreate the Greatest Magic of All Time.
McSorley’s
Imagine all the bars in New York. Imagine the oldest one. You’re thinking of McSorley’s. A historical festival called for a historical launch point, and McSorley’s holds the two highest distinctions for New York social establishments:
1. The first beer to ever be poured in the greater New York City area
2. The first public performance of “Take a Load Off, Santa” by B. Frommeyer, R.P. Willis, P. Anderson
Money saving tips:
Order the dark and light beer special because you can’t order anything else.
Doc Holliday’s
Where do you go when you’re crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man? What if you need three steps toward the door? And for goatbae’s sake, why is there a fat man in the bathtub?
Morale was high, and friends were in low places as the festival crawled east to Doc Holliday’s. If you can take a boy out of the South but never take the South out of the boy, then Doc’s gives the boy all of the South the boy needs. This ramblin’ roadhouse sure has some Night Moves!
Dining tips:
Twisted Tea – chug, rinse and repeat.
Vazac’s Horseshoe Bar
We were making history. We were rewriting history books. The narrative was now.
The next chapter twas Horseshoe Bar, aka 7B. Vazac’s famous data:
– Joe Reilly has been there
– Golden Tee Goatbee high scores
– Crocodile Dundee cameo
Vazac’s takes great pride in their arrangement. Golden Tee flaxen glare blinds patrons upon entrance, followed by Buck Hunter and other treasures deeper in the horseshoe. You must earn your right to be remembered even if those pixelated deer never die.
Crif Dogs
When you let the dogs out of the house, at some point your dogs will start barking, so they need to be walked. And when the dogs need to be walked, those dogs will eventually want to eat. And when the dogs want to eat, you double dog Dare the party to dine at Crif Dogs.
Top Dogs:
The Spicy Redneck (Goatbae?!) = a bacon-wrapped dog with chili, coleslaw and jalapenos
The Crif Dog = a plain handmade naturally smoked beef and pork dog
Chihuahua Dog = a bacon-wrapped dog covered with avocados and sour cream
Balling on a budget:
While it may be tempting, be careful about having a Three Dog Night. A double dog dare should get the dogs walked.
Iggy’s
At this point in the night we crossed into the 6th borough of Hell, commonly referred to as the Lower East Side. These lands run rampant with non-Christians and unbaptized pagans fueled by Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud and Treachery. Sinning is winning down south, and Goatbae was fully aware of the demons that would encroach upon his pure soul. GoatbaeCon pressed forward.
Iggy’s, the next stop on the list, provided shelter from the storm. The old Sewanee haunt that has seen its fair share of Joe Reilly’s, and that becomes clear as one observes the wood decay. But Iggy’s has a spirit as strong as a Celtic cowhand in the midst of the Gallic Wars and beer+shot specials as tasty as a fresh salmon pulled from the mighty River Shannon.
And if you gaze long enough into the jukebox, Electric Light Orchestra will gaze back at thee.
Understand the market:
Often/never trinket salesmen will walk into Iggy’s and sell light-up Mickey Mouse ears. Barter to cut his steep prices down to $5/pair.
No Fun
Goatbae desires dance. It’s a simple formula. And on this Thursday night the sirens of No Fun anchored by popular hits “Replay” by Iyaz and “Eenie Meenie” by Sean Kingston ft. King Bieber seduced these crispy boys right past The Hair of The Dog and into its lavender felt lair. A round of Tecates later and the festival saw its first mosh pit to “Closer” by the Chainsmokers.
Below the earth moved under our feet. Above the spastic disco lights radiated the heat. Too weird to live, too rare to die. At one point between Top 20 bangers Goatbae even said, “New York is awesome.”
Line-cutting tricks:
No Fun is a destination for 22-27 year olds too nervous to hash it our under the lights and too anxious to grind, so the line starts circling the block as soon as the sun goes down. For easy cutting say you know the boys at 161 Ludlow Apt 3, and emphasize your relationship with Pete Spring. Believe in your relationship with Pete Spring.
Parkside Lounge, the Peter Pen Penthouse
We looked up to the Dark Stars of the night, and that’s when we saw the Greatest Story Ever Told. We are all Lost Sailors, sending a Ripple through the universe. So this night must Not Fade Away – it was time to keep on Truckin’.
As we were Goin’ Down The Road the imminent Cold Rain and Snow caused us to turn down Shakedown Street, and that is when we saw the Promised Land: Parkside Lounge. While Mama Tried to keep us away from places such as the Lounge, sometimes you need to let off some anchor steam after a long day attempting to please the Big Boss Man. Inside, and without haste, Goatbae became a Friend of the Devil. With the Eyes of the World upon him, the luminary Mississippi Half-Step Uptown Toodelood past the Brown-Eyed Women to the juxebox. And that’s precisely when The Music Never Stopped. What was recieved was the Grateful Dead’s “Touch of Grey”, In The Dark, Arista, 1987. You could either Turn on Your Lovelight, or Feel Like a Stranger. Luckily, all chose the Good Lovin’ seeping through the lower east side oak.
As the chorus fell from its crescendo, so did GoatbaeCon. A consequence that Althea once told me upon scrutiny. And while we yearned for One More Saturday Night with our Estimated Prophet it was time to disperse before the Morning Dew arrived.
Commencement
Hark!
Time is
Too Slow for those who Wait,
Too Swift for those who Fear,
Too Long for those who Grieve,
Too Short for those who Rejoice;
But for those who live in the light of Goatbae,
Time is not.